FOD

FOD

My aunt just sent this to me saying it was from the restroom at a Cracker Barrel. Pretty good, but it's an insult to restroom hand driers across the nation. The sticker should be stuck to the lids of the crappers in that john. I find the sound of a restroom hand drier much, much more pleasant to listen to than anything coming from the disgrace that's occupying the White House right now.






















Fuck Obama!

Light 'Em Up

I think you know what I'm talkin' 'bout.

For Harper

In the comments for my Made It... post below, Harper asked the following question...Sort of...

"How did a job search trip turn into...Oh, never mind."

For CharlieDelta!!

I think I found that governor...about 135...

Friday Jams

CenTex style...

The End

In one of those moods. Crankin' this shit full volume tonight. People fuckin' suck and I welcome the end for them!

Made It...

Well I made it. Countless Shiner Bocks and Lone Star tall cans throughout my seven day trip, various mixed drinks and shots with Paul, kerrcarto and kerrcarto's buddy Robert on Friday, shots of Patron at Chili's on Monday and the Patron shots at The Hard Rock Cafe down along the Riverwalk area Tuesday night, the Shiner Bock drafts and double Crown/Gingers at the airport in Houston during my three hour layover, and I was all but spent when the plane finally landed at Lindbergh Field Wednesday night. What a day! The highlight of my flying experience this trip was the two hot little early-20's chicks that sat next to me on the plane from Houston to San Diego Wednesday afternoon. Holy crap! Damn, if I was even 10 years younger, or half-sober (and not honest about my real age), maybe I would be with both of them right now partying down at the beach instead of writing my summary of the trip, alone and nursing a tall can of Bud just thinking about it. Oh well, some things just weren't meant to be I guess; and besides that, I fucking HATE the beach and dumbass beach bitches!

The trip? It was fun. More fun than I planned on having, but it was nice to mix up business with some fun. Life is too fuckin' short to be serious all the time. Paul was cool enough and offered to let me stay with him and his kids for a couple days in New Braunfels which I’m glad I did. That alone saved me a few hundred bucks in hotels. I finally got to meet Samuel and Cora and they are two funny kids. Typical kids. Samuel was home sick from school the whole week I guess, so he got to watch me sleep and listen to me fart and snore. That kid is a riot! Total trouble maker and shit talker if I've ever met one. There is no question that he is the offspring of Paul. Apple and tree, LMAO! Cora is the cutest little girl with an attention span of mine while having to suffer through another bullshit speech by Cooncracker or any other one of those douchebag democrat puppets that are always polluting the airwaves with their lies. She seemed like she was always on the move looking for the next fun to start. Cora was really polite and cute as a button; nothing but smiles and childhood innocence. You're a lucky man Paul. Your kids were hilarious. I didn't get to say goodbye to them like I wanted (gag-gifts, candy, jokes, etc.) but I'm sure I'll get to see them again, and you're probably glad they didn't have any more sugar for a while too. Good times man! Thanks Paul again for the room and board. You saved me some badly needed money right now. You almost laughed me right into a DWI, but think of all the money I saved by getting pulled over by the right Sheriff and avoiding that bank-draining offense. Seriously though, you saved me some cash that's not so readily available right now. I'll be able to hook you up for that better the next time I see you brother. Or when I have a steady job; whichever comes first.

Friday night Paul and I met up with kerrcarto and his buddy Robert in Boerne for some grubbin’ and some drinkin’. Kerrcarto already posted about the ass douche and his dumbass girlfriend we met when we were having dinner. After we ate, we went to some bar with some really shitty music, shot some pool and got shitfaced. Since I told Paul I would be the designated driver, I maintained an even buzz without crossing the line into wasted land. Alternating a few waters into the mix helped, but staying away from the liquor was the most effective. I started getting to the point where I just wanted to get completely smashed, so I went outside for a few smokes and some fresh air and away from the shots going down all around us. That was probably the smartest move I made that night. The dumbest came later on the ride home when me and Paul were talkin’ about his newly purchased used car and I made some comment like, “yeah, too bad this fucking this is governed” or something like that. Paul fired back some defensive drunken babble like I was talking shit about his car when I really wasn’t; I was just stating what I was sure to be true from my experience driving family sedans. So as his drunk ass was calling me a pussy and telling me to “floor it” to prove to him it was governed, I was noticing that there were absolutely no cars on the road in front of us or behind us. Perfect! I think we were on Hwy. 46, some dark and sometimes curvey two-lane road with hardly any street lights or homes or much of anything that I can remember so it was a perfect road to prove that I was right.

So I floored it. 75, 80, 85, 90…..95 and still climbing. Most cars from the 2000’s that I have driven have all been governed at 95 mph at the highest. Believe me, I like to take every car I drive to its max speed at least once just to see what it has. Once that needle hits 95 mph (85 mph in most cases) the power kicks off and the car starts to decrease speed even with the pedal to the floor. Once about 5 mph or so under the governed speed the power kicks back in but only until the needle crosses the governed speed limit again. This fucker kept climbing; 100, 105….

We’re crankin’ Alice in Chains on the stereo and Paul is laughing like a fucking drunken hyena or something as we’re rounding the corners with nothing but open road. Just as I think I should probably slow it down since I was already proven to be wrong regarding the governor, I looked in the rear view mirror and that empty sunken feeling in my stomach was the next thing I felt as I saw the blue flashing lights of a squad car coming up fast behind me. I know those lights too well, so I was sure my entire trip was fucked, I was going to jail, my plans to move to Texas would also be fucked because I was gonna soon be a broke motherfucker and on top of all that, I was going to have to listen to Paul laughing the entire time I was failing doing the field sobriety test, getting the shit beat out of me answering the officer’s questions, and getting the shit kicked out of me again booked into jail.

Officer: Good evening. You have any idea how fast you were going back there?

Me: Not completely sure sir, but I think it was somewhere around 80-85 mph.

Officer: Yeah, uh try 105 mph. (Paul laughing his ass off in the background) You had anything to drink tonight?

Me: Yes sir, I had about four beers.

Officer: License and proof of insurance please. (Paul coughing because he’s still laughing his ass off)

Me: Yes sir.

Paul: Here’s my license too dude. I just bought this car but I don’t have the title yet. Or the registration.

So the Officer is standing there with two drunks, one of them laughing like he’s having a great time, a car with no registration or title to show for, a half-drunk with a California license who thinks he’s Mario fucking Andretti in a family sedan, and a wasteoid with a Washington license sitting shotgun who claims he just bought the car but doesn’t have title or registration to prove it.

So the officer went back to his car for a while and let me stew in my grief, frustration, and yes……..Paul laughing about it. This whole time my life is flashing in front of my eyes. What the fuck am I going to do? What the fuck was I thinking? Why is Paul still fucking laughing?

A few minutes later the officer came back, threw our licenses and paperwork at me and said something like, “Looks like tonight is your lucky night. I just got another call that I need to get to. YOU need to SLOW DOWN buddy!” I said, “Yes sir!” and with that he was peeling out of the parking lot heading the direction we were just coming from.

HOLY SHIT!

I drove straight back to New Braunfels going the speed limit, we stopped at Denny’s for some midnight breakfast and went over exactly what had just gone down. As you may have guessed, Paul was laughing even harder now, and I may have let out a little chuckle as we determined that the officer most likely let us go because he was looking at a fucking mound of paperwork for the rest of his shift. DWI, speeding in excess of 50 mph over the posted limit, California drunk driving the unregistered vehicle, Washington drunk supposedly the owner, no title, no registration and whatever else he could rack up on us me. I guarantee I didn’t really laugh or find the humor of it all until Saturday afternoon at some point. Even now, I’m kicking myself in the nuts for trying to pull off some rookie drunkard bullshit like that. Fuck!

Sunday I headed off toward Corpus Christie, made it about half way down there and said fuck it. Turned around and headed back up Hwy. 35 towards New Braunfels (where I felt safe) check into some hotel right next to Chilis, took a shower, got fucked up at the bar at Chilis went back to my room and passed out. I woke up the next morning afternoon and went back to the scene of the crime and took the 46 west from New Braunfels to I-10 and then continued westbound towards Kerrville. I wanted to ambush kerrcarto but I was short on time since Paul had already got us tickets to some rodeo back in San Antonio that night, or at least that was the information I was given. I got as far as the Kerrville exit and basically just turned around and headed back east so I would have plenty of time to check into a hotel so I wasn’t holding Paul and the kids at all for the rodeo. I never heard shit from Paul and it was close to 6 p.m. well after he was out of work so I called him to find out WTF. He told me the rodeo wasn’t until the following Monday. Had I known that, I could’ve and would’ve spent some time cruising around Kerrville just to check it out. Nigger me this Batman! Oh well, that’s just how it goes I guess.

Tuesday I took a cab from my hotel down to the Riverwalk area since I had never seen it before and I planted my as at the bar of the Hard Rock Café and got fucked up for Valentine’s Day. The cabbie that took me back to my hotel was some dude from Turkey that said he had been here for 25 years. Of course I brought up politics with the guy and he had me rolling in the back seat laughing the whole ride back. With his accent it was a little hard to make out everything he was saying, but “Obama asshole” was clear as a bell and the guy used it a lot. He didn’t have one good thing to say about Cooncracker, so him and I got along just fine. I got back to my hotel, pounded a few beers at the Applebee’s bar next door, spilled my drink all over some dude’s meal and the bartender’s purse, almost got in a fight with some guy that only heard about my spillage but it somehow ruined his night, went back to my room, passed the fuck out, took the shuttle to the airport in the morning and said, “until next time Texas.” The highlight of the flight home was two hot little early-20’s chicks that sat next to me from Houston to San Diego. They were both 22 years old and heading down to Pacific Beach to party with some friends for the weekend. I got the blonde’s phone number when she sent me this picture she took, but probably won’t even call her. I might have had a chance, if I wasn’t so hammered on the flight that I told them my real age instead of the usual, “I’m 26 but feel like I’m 18” bullshit line. Well, maybe I’ll text her Saturday and see what’s up, but I doubt they’re gonna wanna hang out with borning ‘old dude’ who just wants a piece of ass anyways.

The trip wasn't as successful as I had originally hoped, but it was far from a failure considering how little I really prepared for it. I am a little bummed that I didn't get to make it up to Dallas for a drink or two with Harper or TWS. That would've been cool. At the very least, flying out for a week helped me determine the general area I would like to move to without question or doubt. Obviously, whatever work I find will narrow that part down even more, but for the most part I like the New Braunfels area as well as Kerr County and Boerne and everything in between. The busy part of New Braunfels made me feel right at home. No matter what, I will definitely experience some culture shock when I move, but it won't be so drastic of a shock if some of the things that annoy me are there; like Mexicans, crowds and traffic. I don't think I'd be able to pull off the change of environment if none of those things were there to keep me alert and watching my back. City boy? You bet your ass I am.

Rick Santorum Porn

Keep it up Rick. Don't let these fucksticks get away with lies and double standards.  This is what the American people are yearning for. Shit, this just occured to me, I hope Charlie Rose doesn't find out that I support you. I call Obama a Marxist Cooncracker. Now that is off color! rimshot

A Cow Rides A Horse

Joe "Douchebag" Kennedy

Another communist Kennedy from Assachusetts is running for office. He announced today via youtube, which I will not link. This guy is another typical lawyer who, like the rest of his family, is completely detached from reality. He is a former Peace Corps volunteer (Shocker!) and his fiance probably beats him. Anyway, below is my video comment; however, I was welcomed with the "Pending Approval" message which means it will be rejected. Geee, wonder why...

Epic douchebag just like the Kennedys before him. Crooked communists. Big government cock swallowers. They speak of protecting the middle class, yet all the policies they put forth fuck us each and every day. $15.3 trillion in national debt and a president who bows to foreign leaders. That's the legacy of today's Democrat Party. Fuck you Joe Kennedy and your corrupt family of smugglers and commies.

The Kennedys think they are some kind of Monarchy. This ain't Rome and I'm pretty sure the Kennedy family is a laughing stock in most households across America. Folks, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. And this sorry fuck won't be any different than the shitbag Kennedys before him. Is there anything or anybody halfway decent in Massachusetts? I've never been there. I hear Boston is a fun town but everyone I've met from Boston have been assholes with annoying accents.

I know I supported Romney a few weeks ago on this blog. I retract everything I wrote. I will not vote for Romney regardless if he is the nominee. If Rick Santorum gets the nomination then he gets my vote. Else, it's either Ron Paul or Ted Nugent (again).

I think America is becoming increasingly hostile with itself. We should separate into three or four independent countries and call it a day. You fucks in the northeast can keep your "hope and change" and Washington, DC.

Heavy Metal Endorsement

Dave Mustaine endorsed Rick Santorum today. Bang your head Rick!!



Rick knows what time it is in the middle east. Especially with the Twelvers in Iran. Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, Ahminadinnajacket and their merry band of whackjobs better watch their shit.

Happy Valentines Day!

I can't help it, I'm a romantic at heart.

FOD

Calling George Orwell, and Woodrow Wilson.

Sunday comics

Carolla Nails It Again

Paul, CD, my buddy Robert and I discussed this issue last night over a few (shitloads) of beer, Crown Royal shots, Kamikazes and I can't remember what else. Met an ass douche and shot some pool. Good times brothers!

Bribery

It works. The boy had to be bribed to play baseball this year. I can't say I blame him, the last two years have sucked ass. No wins and shitty coaches. So I bribed him.

But this year is different, ex-minor league player for a coach and good players.

We should win some games!!

UPDATE: My dad helped spring for the Golden Boy. Gotdamn...I got a Winchester Model 67 when I was my sons age. Handed down.

Tough Love

Be careful what you post on facebook kids.

*Snorlax*

It's 1:30 and ding dong CharlieDelta is still asleep on my couch!! LMAO!! I kept him up until 3 this morning pounding Shiners and Lone Star tall boys. MWAHAHAHAH!! As my daughter was heading out the door to school this morning she was like, "Dad! I finally found someone who snores louder than you! I didn't think this was humanly possible!"






Update: 3:30 and still snoring. LMAO!! I think CD needed a vacation or something.

Three In A Row

Rick Santorum now has more wins than anyone. But, but, Romney, but Newt is the conserv...blah blah blah. You can all eat crow.

Lone Star Recon?

The week I have been looking forward to these last few months has finally arrived and it couldn’t have come at a more stressed out and ill-prepared time in my life; it seems like just yesterday was when I had two full weeks to get my game plan together, have a resume ready to go, some interviews lined up and more job opportunities to investigate. Where the hell did those two weeks go? All of a sudden the Super Bowl was here and gone and then, oh shit!!! I am nowhere near prepared like I should be for this recon mission. My resume is still a piece of shit that I don’t like, I have no interviews lined up, I have nothing that even comes close to resembling a game plan, but tomorrow morning I’m flying out of here, renting a car and meeting up with kerrcarto and Paul either Friday or Saturday for a few pitchers and some laughs. I had planned a massive resume’ dumping at just about every place I could no matter what the job was, but I am dissatisfied with my resume layout to say the least. I’ve had plenty of time to get it dialed in and fine-tuned, but I just kept putting it off so now I’m going into this recon with two things to do. Find an area that I want to live and can afford, and drink beer with my bros. I guess it could be worse. Other than that, I really don’t know WTF I’m going to do for seven days. I was hoping to at least take a drive north from San Antonio one of the days to check it out and say hi to Harper and TWS and maybe throw back some cold ones with them. I feel like a douchebag for having the lax and superfluous attitude about this week, but usually I am shining my best when I’m under pressure. I never had one doubt that I would be ready to go. Up until now that’s how it’s always been for me. Not this time. I might as well just change my name to Biff Loman for these seven days. Jebus!

Fuck it! I’m getting out of this fucking place for seven full days and exploring new territory, I get to see my two brothers-from-other-mothers which is always a good thing, and I am at the very least putting another step behind me, as painfully slow and frustrating as it’s been. If I keep waiting around for the “perfect” time to make the move happen I’ll never get out of this liberal-progressive socialist Utopian shithole. As it is I’m already over a month behind schedule and I mean a month behind when I was supposed to be towing my truck behind a Uhaul loaded with everything I own and heading eastbound to my new home. I still have to set all of that up when I get back from this little vacation recon mission. Fuck, I don’t know what I was thinking. Obviously I wasn’t thinking at all. This is a bigger move than any I have ever made in my life and I did a piss-poor job of planning it out. All I knew is that I just wanted to get the fuck out of here and everything else be damned! I guess the stress that I’m feeling right now is making up for the little to none that I felt these last couple months when I wasn’t doing shit.

Well it’s 01:50 and I need to pack my suitcase and carry-on bag and then get my ass to bed. I wonder how much shit I’ll forget to pack this time? It’s too bad I can’t get a job being a professional procrastinator because I have mad professionalcrastination skills that could crastinate circles around any so-called ‘pro’ out there. I’ll have to tell you about that some other time…

Brothers Paul and kerrcarto, I’ll see you two fucks soon. The first few rounds are on me.

Dr. Seuss books rejected by the publisher...heh heh!

Got It!

My sister came down and finally got Charlie's Christmas present to me.

FOD: Fuck All Democrats

Asked by the English-speaking interviewer whether she thought Egypt should use the Constitutions of other countries as a model, Ginsburg said Egyptians should be “aided by all Constitution-writing that has gone on since the end of World War II.”

“I would not look to the U.S. Constitution, if I were drafting a Constitution in the year 2012. I might look at the Constitution of South Africa,”

This wrinkled up old hag needs to go. God I hope Obama does not get the chance to appoint another one that thinks like this. One more reason that 2012 is so important. We already have the big fat dike that he appointed that probably won't recuse herself when Obama care comes up. Even though she argued for it no less than 2 years ago. 

Anyway, let's take a closer look at South Africa's constitution shall we. Because it must be fucking wonderful.

Preamble We, the people of South Africa, Recognise the injustices of our past; Honour those who suffered for justice and freedom in our land; Respect those who have worked to build and develop our country; and Believe that South Africa belongs to all who live in it, united in our diversity. We therefore, through our freely elected representatives, adopt this Constitution as the supreme law of the Republic so as to ­ Heal the divisions of the past and establish a society based on democratic values, social justice and fundamental human rights; Lay the foundations for a democratic and open society in which government is based on the will of the people and every citizen is equally protected by law; Improve the quality of life of all citizens and free the potential of each person; and Build a united and democratic South Africa able to take its rightful place as a sovereign state in the family of nations. May God protect our people Now that sounds fucking great doesn't it?  I mean democracy is working out so well for Egypt, Syria, Libya, Tunisia, Yemen, Algeria, Bahrain and The Occutards isn't it. This social justice shit? Don't even get me started on social justice, fucking Orwellian speak for reparations is all that marxist bullshit is. Then, the Piéce de résistance, an open society, just like George Soros wants. We should just throw our constitution in the garbage.  A more perfect union? You fucking radical. Individual liberty? That is sooooooo 1788. God given rights. Not government established rules. Bah, your fucking crazy. Insure domestic tranquility? You racist! Promote the general welfare? See it does say welfare in the constitution! And Obama just says "fuck it, make me dictator". All you democrats should just move to Africa. They already have everything you are trying to cram down our throats. You could just retire. Wouldn't that be sweet! You wouldn't have to slave and toil in the halls of congress all day trying to turn America into South Africa. You could just go chill on the beach. I nominate Ruth "polygrip" Ginsberg and the Cooncracker for firsties on the plane.