Son of a bitch! First off, lemme state for the record that I fucking hate spiders! Big, small, poisonous, non-poisonous it doesn't matter. I fucking hate them all and kill every last one of those eight-legged bastards I see. It's always been that way and it always will. We are mortal enemies until the end.
Here's a perfect example why these sumbitches all need to die:
Tonight after I got home from a long day at the daily grind, I was really looking forward to crackin a few cold ones, turning on some tunes, preppin a kickass marinated steak, corn on the cob and a baked potato. Well, by the time I checked emails, responded to the ones worth a shit and had dinner prepped and ready for the grill the sun was almost down. This is the local spiders' favorite time to spin their fucking house for the night at face level on my patio. I know, by now I should be used to breaking out the flashlight and checking before I poke my head out the patio door, but hey sometimes I don't think about it. Tonight was one of those nights. I had my fat ass steak all tenderized and soppin with Honey Teriyaki on a plate. Next to that was my corn on the cob slathered in butter and wrapped in foil, and a huge Idaho spud just waiting for the grill. In my other hand, of course was my beer. I walked out the patio door, and immediately got a mouthfull of spider web and felt that little fucker bounce off my shoulder. What do I do? To be honest, I screamed like a little school girl, but much more fucked up, I dropped my plate with my juicy steak, my corn and my spud. Broken porcelain all over the fucking place, and my steak covered in all the shit on the ground. Normally I would've just washed the steak off and grilled it up, but I was so pissed off I just chucked it into the bushes across the street. I was more concerned at the time with making sure that little fuck wasn't crawlin' around on me.
I was glad I at least had some TV dinners still in the freezer, or it would've been a liquid dinner tonight.
Anyways, to make a long story longer, while my TV dinner was baking in the oven, I figured I'd take the trash out. Whadda ya know? Asshole spider's cousin had built a web right outside my front door at face level. Two steps and BOOM! Screaming like a little school girl again and I dropped my bag of trash and yes, you guessed it, broken glass all over my front porch. My neighbor poked his head out the front door and asked if everything was alright and I just said, "Yeah. Fuck!"
Being someone who likes to retaliate immediately, I busted out the Berryman B-12 Chemtool on every last motherfucking spider I could find. I was even shooting the ones on my neighbor's patio. Die you little pieces of shit! B-12 Chemtool is the bomb! You don't even need the little straw they provide you, cause the pressure is kickass, and it shoots a straight stream from a good 10+ feet. That's as close as I need to be to these bastards anyways. This shit's better than Raid! At least it smells good, like carb cleaner should.
I tried to google the local spiders in my area to show you just how ugly these fuckers are, but came up empty. I swear the second one was the size of a baseball and was hissin', spittin' and cussin' at me as he was falling to his death!
I think it was Greg Kinnear(sp?) who had a stand up bit about walking though spider webs, but I couldn't find it on YouTube. It's some funny shit, because he nails it; at least for me he does. I probably look like an epileptic crack head trying to stop, drop and roll those bastards off of me. Thanks you little shits!
This has nothing to do with my meaningless drunken drivel, but if you're an AC/DC fan, you will surely appreciate this. Jim Breuer rocks!