Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Dear Liberals

~~I'm not sure who the original Author of this is, but I'm signing my name to it~~

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).

We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N.. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.

We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

I'll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.




labcat said...

thanks cd that's appropriate about now. i'm so mad i'm in tears. i called the city mgr. to ask permission to use a certain park area for our county's "tea party" on April 15th. he says..."the park was partly funded by federal grants so protesting the federal gov't on that property would be contradictory" and "you and i both work for the city. the city recieves grant money from the gov. including the water and wastewater depts." work for the can't have a disenting opinion...which i took as a direct threat to my job and dropped out of the whole tea party movement. i am so mad right now i could scream. so no, cd...this will never happen...they want it ALL!!
(sorry so long...i'm just so pissed)

Paul said...

I'm pretty sure Washington won't be included so I'll just pack up now. Where shall I head to? Back to Texas? Roger that.

Hammer said...

I'm all for it.

kerrcarto said...

I'm down..Chuck Norris could be president of Texas and Uncle Ted could be VP.

kerrcarto said...

Labcat that's fucked up! Go anyway and if they fire you sue the ever loving shit out of them for wrongful termination.

Deadman said...

Labcat: Kerrcarto's right. Ask your CM for the ordinance that overrides your Constitutional right to assemble peaceful assembly.

Anna said...

WAIT PAUL.. don't forget me. Isa comin' too!

Deadman said...

your Constitutional right to assemble peaceful assembly.


I meant your Constitutional right to assemble peacefully...

BTW, Paul, this rocked and like Anna, I'm coming along, too.

Cristin said...

Coming out of lurkdom to say "AMEN"!!! I came this way via GOC and have stayed for the like-minded politics and humor when I need it. You have hit the nail on the head; I couldn't have said it better.


Jackie D said...

C'mon to Texas Paul et borrow a bit from Sam Kinison," ...get your kids, get your shit, we'll take you to where the conservatives are..."

For fun we will watch "Survivor, Texas-Style."

The contestants will all start in Dallas, then drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read: "I'm Gay," "I Love the Dixie Chicks," "Boycott Beef," "I Voted for Obama," "George Strait Sucks," "Hillary in 2012" and "I'm here to confiscate your guns."

If anyone makes it back to Dallas alive, they win.

Deadman said...

LMFAO, Jackie!!!!