Thursday, December 3, 2009

For Pauldo

Dude, your post below reminded me of this. I know it is old, but it is still funny as shit.

A Texan Moves North

January 10

It's 5:00PM. It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first one we've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rum and sat by the picture window watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was so beautiful.

January 11

We woke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in my life and loved it. I did both the driveway and the sidewalk. later a snow plow came along and accidentally covered up the driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver waved and smiled. I waved back and shoveled again.

January 12

It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temp has dropped to 11 degrees. Several tree limbs have snapped in the snow. I shoveled the drive again. Shortly afterwards the snowplow came again. Now the snow is a brownish-grey.

January 13

It warmed enough today to cause slush which froze again when the temp dropped. Bought snow tires for both cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway. $145.00 to a chiropractor. Nothing broken. More snow.

January 14

Still cold as hell. Sold the wife's car. Bought a 4x4 to get her to work. Slid into a guardrail anyways, considerable damage. Another 8 inches of snow last night. Both vehicles covered with salt and crud. More shoveling for me. The got-damn snowplow came twice today.

January 15

It's 2 fucking degrees outside. More fucking snow. Not a tree on our property hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly burned the fucking house down. Managed to put out the flames but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands plus lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows. car slid off the road on the way to the emergency room and totalled it.

January 16

More motherfucking got-damn white shit keeps coming down. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the fucking mailbox. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who drives that fucking snowplow, I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner till I shovel. Power still off. Roof has started to cave in.

January 17

Six more fucking inches of fucking white shit and fucking sleet and no tellin' what the fuck else fell last night. I wounded the fucking snowplow asshole with an ice axe, but he got away. Wife left me. The car won't start. I think I'm going snow blind. I can't feel my fucking toes. Haven't seen the sun in weeks. More white shit forecast. Wind chill is 22 below. Fuck this! I'm moving my ass back to Texas.

3 comments:

Harper said...

As a kid in Kansas, I was expected to clear the driveway of snow before my parents got home from work. It never ceased to amaze me that the snow plow had all of my school day to come down our street, but never seemed to make it until 5:30 pm, so I would have to drag my butt back outside to clear what he dumped back in, so my mom could get her Datsun in the driveway without dragging. Not to mention that I was the automatic garage door opener...she honked, I opened. My kids crave the snow but I have never considered moving back north. I like how Texas shuts down when there is any winter precipitation. We have snow days in weather that people up north would consider "nice" days.

Mark@Bismarck said...

Hey the tourist season just ended here in North Dakota! One thing is for sure, anyone who lives here WANTS to live here! On the other hand our 'herd' gets culled just about every winter!

PeggyU said...

LOL! I see we have snow in the forecast for next week. Should be enchanting for a couple of days.