Wednesday, April 27, 2011

A Loss For Words?

Here we go again. What the FUCK!

When I got home from work tonight I was stressed out and ready for a bowl and some double-digit beers. Within 5 minutes, I was leveled out and ready to do absolutely nothing except enjoy my beer, my high, some serious playing time behind my guitar for once, and the 78 degree sunshine on my front porch. It's been more than a year since I've picked up the guitar and actually practiced for more than 5 minutes. For some reason, the motivation was there tonight so I just took the ball and ran with it. When it was all said and done, I put in over two hours tonight between scales, chord progressions, and a weak attempt at adding lyrics to some of my old stuff. The only time I can ever remember getting writer's block was when trying to write lyrics. Don't know why that is, but it sucks. I forgot how much I enjoy making up new music though. It's fun, and for some reason it gives me a feeling of serenity and accomplishment. It ranks pretty high up there on the scale too. Besides my epic fail at writing lyrics tonight, it was a relaxing, fun and productive evening behind my six string.

Then I went to check email, daily reads, etc. and my evening turned to shit. I got an IM from a friend of mine tonight that went something like this:

Friend: Hey. You there?
Me: What's up you punk ass bitch?
Me: Yeah I'm here motherfucker but I'm going outside for a smoke. Back in a few. Me: I haven't heard from you in a while. Where the fuck have you been?
Me: Doing double-header donkey shows in TJ to pay for your smack habit or what?
(I leave to go for my smoke)
(5 minutes later I come back)...
Friend: [My brother] committed suicide.
Friend: The service is this weekend.
Friend: Wanted you to know, but if you can't make it I understand.
Me: Fuck man!
Me: What the fuck man!
Me: I'm sorry, brother. I literally dont know what to say. What the fuck!
Me: How are you holding up?
Friend: Not good at all. Haven't been in to work for a week and a half.
Friend: Been hittin the whiskey hard
Friend: I can't sleep at all. The only way to rest is to pass out wasted.
Friend: Even then it's only for a few hours
Friend: I'm rattled to the core
Me: Fuck dude, I can't even begin to imagine.
Me: I am toally blown away right now.
Me: Do you need anything? Is there anything I can do?
Friend: Me too
Friend: No, but thanks. I will email you the time and address for Saturday.
Friend: It would really be cool if you can make it. I gotta go. Later.
Me: For sure man. I'll be there.
Me: Later...

What the fuck! I can never imagine being that short sighted, hopeless and desperate to resort to pulling the plug on my own act. Selfish too! Putting your family and friends, and especially your mother, through this fucking shit is like sentencing them to hell on earth for the rest of their mortal days. A big piece of them will forever be dead inside, and their smile will never be big again.

This kid was only 26 years old. Honestly, I didn't know him very well, but I've been friends with his brother for a long time and knew they were pretty close. Every time I saw this kid he was laughing about something and talking shit to his buddies like most everyone does. I never really saw, or never noticed, his hidden side that we all have and hide. He seemed like a happy successful guy with nothing to complain about. Like I said, I didn't know him well, but he was a cool dude. Seemed to me like he had his shit together way more than I ever will. Not anymore. That permanent solution to a temporary problem has claimed yet another, and it fucking sucks!

I only knew him for about a month, when he showed up to the bar one night for my birthday and gave me a really nice expensive pipe to replace the one I dropped and cracked a few days earlier. I thought that was really cool of him, not to mention generous. Hell, I would've been happy enough with some rolling papers. I think that for Saturday's service, I'm going to have that pipe packed with the best green I can find, so when the service is over we can walk to the beach, fire up, smoke ourselves silly and remember the good times. Rest in peace brother.

It's going to be a long road ahead for his close friends and entire family. I don't wish that road upon anyone.

I forgot what I titled this post by the time I was done writing it. I had to go back and add the question mark after I read what I had written. Loss for words my ass! This was supposed to be a short, simple little post about how I may have found something to break my lyrical writer's block, or at least found something to write about the next time I give it a go. Not a fucking novel.

I'm tired and hammered and need to go to bed. I have to be to work in four hours. Fuck. It's going to be a long day today...


Anonymous said...

That is messed up dude! Yeah, you can never sniff out the suicidal tendencies because one day they're happy and just like normal and then the next day....gone. Fucked up.

kerrcarto said...

That's fucked up and the cowards way out.

Harper said...

Sorry, CD.

Bear said...

Sorry to hear that man. I agree that is about the most selfish thing one can do.

John said...

Sorry about your loss. 26 is way too young to give up on life.

PeggyU said...

Sorry also, CD. Most sorry for his family.

Claude said...

Sorry CD. So sad for this young man. RIP. So hard for family and friends.