It is with deep regret that I must inform any of you that may happen know The Whited Sepulchre. When I turned on FoxNews this morning, I was shocked to see a shirtless TWS, slugging down Shiners while operating a stolen forklift in a low speed chase with Fort Worth Police yesterday.
During the whole ordeal, both police and witnesses say the suspect, [The Whited Sepulchre] of Fort Worth, was drinking beer and throwing the empties at passing vehicles. He was also said to have been cursing and mumbling something about President Obama, "hope" and "change" over and over as he had the pedal to the floor, doing a whopping 6mph in and out of traffic.
I was flabberghasted when I heard this part. Usually he's a mellow dude when he drinks. I wonder if someone slipped him a Mickey? Was he drinking on an empty stomach? Was he just fed up with this asshole TOTUS? Only TWS knows the answers to that. I was really blown away when I read this next part. It's so unlike TWS I still really cannot believe it.
"He would chug a beer and throw it back at the police officers," Lowery said. "Just veer left and right, left and right. Then he would yell at the top of his lungs, 'how do you like that hope and change now, assholes?' like he was high on glue or keyboard cleaner."
Now that I can believe! He has been known to have a dislike for law enforcement agencies that constantly abuse their power, but I never thought it would come to this. I know the Libertarian types are always mellow and rarely lose control. In fact, it's practically non-existant. I guess he must have finally snapped!
At one point, [TWS] jumped off the forklift, taunted police with obscene gestures and jumped back on the vehicle. Fort Worth police said an officer tried to hit [TWS] with a Taser but missed. TWS just laughed at the top of his lungs and fired back, "Is that all you got? You're Tazing skills are below rookie level, at best! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
That's because The Whited Sepulchre has cat-like, no..... ninja-like reflexes. That douchebag from The Matrix ain't got shit on TWS. Neither did the police officers in this case. Not even close.
[TWS] faces several charges, including the theft of the forklift, aggravated assault and felony DWI, because he has two prior DWIs according to police. Fort Worth police also found a car registered to [TWS] abandoned on the freeway near where the chase came to an end.
I wasn't aware that TWS had two priors. The judge is probably gonna throw the book at him for his third. Depending on his blood/alcohol levels he might have to do a little 3-month stint in County, and that's going to hurt big time in the bank account.
I'm thinking about starting up a PayPal account so I can solicit donations for his bail money, fines, 18 months of DUI class, weekly meetings at M.A.D.D., to get his car out of impound, and to get him a keg of Shiner just because it's the right thing to do. Keep your eyes out for that in the next couple days. Please just donate what you feel comfortable with. No one expects a full paycheck donation, but don't be a cheap bastard either.
The next few months are going to be really rough for TWS. I don't think he'll be able to blog from his 2x2x8 cell, so if you get the chance, wish him the best and give him some words of encouragement on his blog. It will only take a few moments of your time, and he could really use some support right now.*
Hang in there, buddy!
*DISCLAIMER: This post is total and complete 100% bullshit! Yes, 100% bullshit! This in no way was intended to cast a negative light on TWS. If you are a member of M.A.D.D. reading this, you can relax. I'm sure TWS is as sober as a judge when he steals his forklifts. And just so you know, I am a member of D.A.M.M. (Drunks Against Mad Mothers). I remember TWS telling me that he lives in Fort Worth, so I immediately thought of him when I saw this on the news. I had a couple hours to fuck around before the boss got in today, so I fabricated this bullshit story for my entertainment at TWS's expense. For that, I am guilty and will accept any retaliation that may come my way. Cheers, TWS!