I've always been a huge fan of the Zombie flicks from the first time I remember seeing one. There's just something cool about killing freaks that are already dead. Kinda gives one a sense of power and super hero strength. Especially with a nice clean head shot! I love it. As a teenager my favorites were the ones most recognized; the original Dawn of the Dead, Night of the Living Dead, Day of the Dead, Return of the Living Dead, and the hilarious remake of Dawn of the Dead in 2004, which I really should own on DVD because the entertainment value of it gets a solid "10" from me. I haven't seen the DOTD remake in a while, but I remember leaving the theater not knowing if what I had just watched was supposed to be a horror movie, a thriller or a comedy. I probably laughed harder in those two hours than I do when watching another dumbass liberal struggle to come up with anything close to resembling a fact in a political debate. I even laughed harder than when I saw the long face of Ketchup Boy followed by little Haircut Boy on the verge of total crybaby breakdown when they had to concede that Dubya/Cheney kicked their asses in '08. And let me tell you, I laughed so hard that day my stomach still hurts. That's one of those moments I could relive again and again. After seeing those two pictures from the 2004 GOC Archives, I'm laughing just as hard right now. BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
But this is about zombies and the killing of zombies. Something I've only dreamed of being able to do for all these years. Until now, that is. The other night while up late drinking beer and looking to spend some money, I came across Zombie Industries via Atlantic Firearms. I liked what I saw right away, so I planted my feet there for a while and checked out some of their products. If I would've perused their site a little more before throwing down the Visa, I probably would've spent five times as much as I did. Lucky for me, I wasn't so drunk that I was Donald fucking Trump in my mind that night. Drunk online shopping can be dangerous sometimes. Really dangerous.
In less than five minutes I had some shit in my cart and was on my way to checkout. Usually when I'm hammered I sit there and ponder for a while if I really need what I'm buying and most of the time I cancel before the damage is done. This time? Nope! I liked what I had in my shopping cart, and I was pretty fucking confident that it was something that I needed! So I pulled the trigger and instantly had that gratifying sound of an "Order Confirmed" email in my inbox. I love that in-and-out shopping. No traffic, no crowds, no problems. And I can drink while I'm shopping without the pimple-faced rent-a-cop at the mall hassling me about "open container" and "illegal" or "the police have been called" and all of that shit he's usually barking at me.
So I picked up the Chris Bleeding Target and a Sampler Exploding Targets Case, shipped to my front door FEDEX Ground for a little under $200.00. Not bad for a drunken purchase. I've done worse that's for sure. I didn't know what to expect from CHRIS, but I've shot the exploding targets before and I thought they were pretty cool. Definitely worth what they cost as far as I'm concerned. Both items showed up via FEDEX about 5 minutes after I got home from work tonight and that made me happy. I love getting presents in the mail. Now I have a little over three weeks of my own impatience to put up with until our trip to the desert Labor Day weekend. The construction of Chris was a little different than what I imagined. Cheese comes to mind. The torso is made of a thin plastic form, the backing is made of cardboard, and in the middle is probably a couple hundred paintballs for the blood. I didn't expect Myth Busters quality forensics gel like they always use, but I expected something a little higher quality for what I paid. Zombie Industries claims he'll take up to 1,000+ rounds of various calibers. Yeah, we'll see about that Labor Day weekend fellas. Well see about that. I bet he doesn't last 100 rounds, but I'll play fair. 7.62 x 39, 5.56, 30-06, and 7.62 x 54 will be the soup de jour from a few hundred yards. Maybe some close range .45ACP and .22LR will be on the menu as well. I would say that's various calibers wouldn't you? After he bleeds out, I'm going to place one of the 1/2 lb Exploding Targets in his skull for the final nail in the bastard's coffin. I imagine after that, he'll be nothing but coyote kibble.
I didn't see the Osama model or I would've bought that for sure. Killing a zombie would be cool. Killing a stinkbeard terrorist goat-fucker would be even better. But a zombie stinkbeard terrorist goat-fucker? That's damn near back-flip worthy. I missed out on a pretty good two-fer this time, but if Chris can take the punishment that I plan on dishing out, I will be back to buy more. A few days ago I emailed a friend of mine the link to the targets and he called me right away and told me that he does the graphics for Zombie Industries. They're in Poway, about 30 minutes from my house. If I would've known that, I wouldn't have ordered through Atlantic Firearms. All they did was drop-ship Chris to me, and I paid full shipping like it came all the way from Mary-fucking-land. Maybe next time I'll ask my buddy to see if he can hook up a target 6-pack deal or something like that. Or at least maybe I'll be able to buy direct.
Stay tuned for my review, with photos and possibly video of Chris's execution a few days after the holiday weekend.
Here's Chris and me. He's not such a bad zombie when he's stoned like in this candid shot of us partying on the patio, but when his stash is gone, he is a real prick until he re-up's. I wonder if that's where the phrase "stoned like a zombie" came from?
And this is the little 1/2 lb. exploder that will be surgically planted in Chris' skull for the grand finale'.
Every time I think about how great it would be to call Open Season on all zombies across the U.S. from sea to shining sea, I can't help but think of this classic clip that works as a perfect metaphor to end this post.