Monday, November 21, 2011

(Mon.) Harper is So Fucking Cool...

How fucking cool is she? Well let me tell ya... Harper is so fucking cool that she was able to pull off one of the best pranks in the history of prankin' people. Y'all remember about a month ago when TOTUS was stolen right out from under the nose of the Secret Service? If you smoked a lot of dope in college and suffer from permanent short term memory loss, maybe this will help refresh your memory.

HENRICO, VA – A truck carrying President Obama’s teleprompter and audio equipment was stolen days before his visit to a local kindergarten.

President Obama’s Teleprompter, or TOTUS (teleprompter of the United States), was stolen right in front of the Secret Service in Virginia.

Right in front of the Secret Service. You hear that? Secret Service folks, not just some rent-a-cop borrowed from the parking lot of the 24 hr. Fitness. We're talking highly skilled dudes trained to kill, or be killed to protect TOTUS from spit-balls, eggs, flaming bags of dog shit, etc.

The President was livid and had to cancel his speech in front of a class of kindergarten students. "I had my speech all planned out, I was going to tell the kids to eat some vegetables, or donuts, or something, but I don’t remember, and I wanted them to think about something important like the NBA, but I forgot what I was going to say. I feel terrible that I had to cancel. They deserve to hear me."

Yup. Harper is so fucking cool that she got The President "livid" and had him so rattled that he couldn't even speak before kindergarten children. If any of those kindergartners parents are reading this, you should send your "Thank You" letters, flowers, boxes of chocolates, tickets for 10-day cruises, cash, diamonds, cases of Shiner Bock, etc. directly to Harper. That's the least you could do for her epic fucking coolness and saving your children from becoming potential future libtards. She even had the DoD walking in circles confused and frazzled!

The Department of Defense confirmed the heist, but did not want to speculate on who stole the equipment. But WWN talked to sources close the Teleprompter.

“It was probably the Tea Party trying to stop the President from talking about the economy again, and others think it’s an inside job,” said Dr. Badu Merkti of the Defense Department. "There are a lot members of the President’s Cabinet who are jealous of Totus, because of all the time the teleprompter gets to spend with the President. Totus might not have the President’s ears, but he has his eyes – all the time."

WRONG! Thanks for playin' Dr. Merkti. Please try again douchebag...

Other Democrats feel that Republicans pulled off the heist to stop the President from talking to the kindergarteners, potential voters in 2012. Why on earth would they think that kindergarteners can vote? Because the President is actually threatening an Executive Order allowing them to. “They can count to ten and then can tell blue from red, that’s more than a lot of Republicans,” said Jay Carney, White House Press Secretary. “The President feels kindergarteners are fully human and should be able to vote for him, um for President.”

You can read the whole story here, but you cannot argue with just how fucking cool Harper is for pulling off the greatest prank in the history of the world. Well you can try, but you will end up looking like a total fuckin' moron with your head up your ass. Or even worse, you'll look like POTUS without TOTUS. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Harper, you fucking rock!

2 comments:

Paul said...

You know, CD. You can keep this up all week but Harper is still gonna throw your punk ass in the pool next summer. Just sayin'

CharlieDelta said...

LMAO! Just keepin' my word dude...