Thursday, November 24, 2011

(Thurs.) Harper Is So Fucking Cool....

How cool is she you may ask? Well, lemme tell ya... Harper is so fucking cool that just tonight, Thanksgiving evening, she demonstrated her epic fucking coolness once again, under pressure, and arranged a meeting with some scumbag intruder and his maker. That's right. You heard me! Harper doesn't get holidays off from coolness, which is just another example of just how fucking cool she is!

After a huge Thanksgiving dinner tonight, I was perusing the San Antonio classified ads looking for work when I somehow stumbled upon this gem at MySanAntonio.com's home page. I don't know why I was surprised when I saw who the hero of the day was. I know better than to get surprised by seeing Harper's name associated with a headline like this:

Woman, Mid 20's, Guns Down Intruder
By Summer Eve & Guillermo Ganja

Published 10:59 p.m., Thursday, Nov. 24, 2011

A woman shot and killed an intruder and police caught a suspected accomplice in a Northeast Side home invasion in the late afternoon Thursday. The gunfire shattered the Thanksgiving Day calm in the neighborhood of large, high-end houses on wide, tree-lined streets.

The woman, who goes by Harper, was upstairs with her husband Mr. Harper after wrapping up Thanksgiving dinner with their children and relatives in their beautiful home on Oakridge Drive when they heard a "loud bang", according to San Antonio Police Sergeant Stedanko. "They checked downstairs and found a filthy man inside mumbling to himself in Spanish. This person was later identified as Jose Perez Sanchez Hernandez Tuco Benedicto Pacifico Juan Maria Ramirez, an illegal alien criminal from Mexico wanted in over 14 counties across Texas for various violent offenses. Ramirez had broken a sliding glass door with a hammer in an apparent attempt to rob the household for his methamphetamine, cheap tequila, GPC cigarettes, and transvestite pornography habit." Stedanko said.

“What the [expletive] are you doing in my house you [expletive] tweeker?” Mr. Harper yelled as the intruder rummaged through the Harper cat's litter box downstairs. Mr. Harper continued his verbal assault on the man while Harper grabbed her Colt 1911 Combat Commander and fired one .45 ACP round, killing Ramirez.


Boom!! Hell yeah! You hear that? One shot, one kill. Take that motherfucker! Can you hear me now??? Enjoy the dirt siesta six feet under, puto! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! That's how it's supposed to be done right there. Is that not the coolest fucking thing you've ever heard of? Don't lie. You know it is. Epically fuckin' cool!

But there's more...

Police officers working undercover were already in the area Thursday afternoon because of a rash of recent burglaries. Advised of the incident, they arrested another illegal from Mexico blocks away from the shooting scene who they believe was the dead man's homosexual lover and accomplice, Stedanko said. A Meximobile believed to have been used by the illegals also was found in the area, police said. Inside the vehicle officers discovered numerous social security cards, Project Vote Gift Bags with voter registration information for illegal aliens and valid TX drivers licenses of deceased individuals, as well as drug paraphernalia, empty bottles of Jose Cuervo, explicit homosexual pornography, and lifetime nutroot membership cards to the Texas Progressive Alliance.

One piece of shit dead, and another captured by area police. Add a couple more things to be thankful for on this Thanksgiving Day. All in a day's work for Harper. Or should I say, all in a day off from work?

Residents of the quiet neighborhood said they were shocked by the incident.

I bet they were! They were shocked to learn who, and just how fucking cool one of their neighbors was. Yup yup! I would be shocked upon learning that as well. You know you would too!

“They are very nice, quiet people,” Helen Pressa said of the Harpers, her next-door neighbors. “We rarely see Harper. She blogs a lot and keeps to herself, but we know she's always there ready to face any threat head on, and she's always looking out for the entire block.”

Pressa said the area has been increasingly targeted by burglars since her own home was broken into about 18 months ago.

I expect that burglaries will all of a sudden come to a screeching halt on Oakwood Drive and the Northeast Side in general once word spreads about this mega-cool ending on Thanksgiving Day. I wouldn't think about even toilet-papering a house on that street if I was a potential TP'er and heard Harper was within a 15 block radius. Fuck that!

Sgt. Stedanko said the shooting appeared to be justified, and no charges would be filed.

That's right! Anything else would be fucking ludicrous!

He said he doesn't know what burglars typically might be thinking when they break into a home, “but they should be thinking, ‘I hope Harper doesn't live here, or this will be the last home I break into.'”

You bet your ass pal! Chalk up another Harper victory. Another victory for The People!!!

Staff Writer Richard Cheese contributed to this story.

6 comments:

Harper said...

Someone with video editing skills needs to sub in CD for Blondie in the Tuco scene. I think CD has an uncanny resemblance to the young Clint Eastwood.

Is Richard Cheese your version of Rickrolling? That was awful.

CharlieDelta said...

LOL! I'm sure Clint Eastwood would be very offended and insulted to hear you say that.

Rickrolling? Never heard of him. Richard Cheese has some pretty funny shit. I do admit that version of Hot For Teacher is horrible, but he's an absolute riot live...

kerrcarto said...

Enjoy the dirt siesta six feet under, puto!


48" is the prefered depth. 18" of cover is all that is necessary, legally.

CharlieDelta said...

Ah yes, I forgot you spent some time getting paid to excavate for los muertos.

My brother and I have a deal that whichever of us goes first, the other one will get howlin'-at-the-moon drunk, then get a blazing pallet hay-stackin' bonfire raging in the desert, throw on the body and crank the deceased's album of choice. No worms are gettin' me...

Erinyes said...

Nice, but Sergeant Stedanko? Are they serious???

CharlieDelta said...

Yes, I was serious!