Tuesday, November 22, 2011

(Tues.) Harper Is So Fucking Cool

How fucking cool you may ask? Well, lemme tell ya. Harper is so fucking cool that she takes on black bears with her bare fuckin' hands. That's right. You heard me! She just happened to make the head story for the New York Daily News last week while she was visiting some friends in the Poconos and trying to take time off from being so fucking cool. As if making front page of a major newspaper isn't fucking cool enough, check out and read what veteran journalist Michael Shareajoint reports on last week's front page...

Poconos, NY- Poconos woman fights off bear, cub to save dog.
Michael Shareajoint

Monday, Nov. 14, 2011


A Texas woman on vacation in the Poconos last week battled a bear and its cub to save her Dachshund puppy she had received as a 'Thank You' gift from
The Whited Sepulchre after saving him from a dire situation a couple months prior. Harper, as she goes by, is recovering from multiple scratches and gaping wounds to her neck, arms and head after rushing to the rescue Thursday, GGDF News 420 reported. The 26-year-old Texan had let her dog, Abbott, out into the backyard to do his business at 9:30 p.m. Moments later she saw him acting strangely, almost as if he saw Lucifer himself, or worse yet, Barack Obama.

Rushing, not walking or taking her sweet ass time, but rushing to the rescue knowing that black bears are mean and vicious bastards that have lethal claws that could take a human head clean off. Did you read that? Did it sink in? That's fucking cool! She knew they weren't all soft and cuddly like that fuckin' little faggot bear in those Snuggle Fabric Softener commercials. Not Harper. She knew she was in for a fight. The bears started it, and Harper was gonna finish it. That is so fucking cool! I mean, seriously; that is about the coolest fucking thing I have ever heard of. If you disagree, you are wrong. Not only are you wrong and an asshole, you are so fucking UNcool that even the occutards think you're an uncool asshole. That is un-fucking-cool, pal.

"It was dark and at first I couldn't see what it was," Harper told the Pocono Record. "Then, I saw two black bears, what looked like a cub and an adult. Abbott was bravely holding his own," she said, "Running at the grown bear and swatting at him like I trained him to do before his eyes were even open."

Fucking badass cool!

Harper then charged right into the middle of the scrap to help as Abbott ran to her. The adult bear then attacked. The bear knocked Harper to the ground, striking her with its massive claws, but she threw back a few shots of her own and taunted, "Is that all you got Snuggles?" At one point she even had the bear in a half nelson going for a full nelson, but was blinded by her own blood and had to let go. She was bleeding profusely from the head, but kept dishing out right hooks, body shots, roundhouse kicks to the head, and a few eye-gouging moves. Harper didn't realize just how badly she'd been injured until the brawl was over and the bears ran off into the night howling in agonizing embarrassment and pain.

"I was so concerned about Abbott I didn't even know I was hurt," Harper said. "I was just waiting for those little [expletive] [expletive] to come back and [expletive] with me or my dog again. I beat the [expletive] out of both of those dumb [expletive] and I'll do it again."

Abbott was taken to the vet and is being treated for his wounds. He is expected to fully recover. Harper stitched herself up, sat back, turned on Domination by heavy metal band Pantera, and enjoyed a few ice cold Shiner beers, as GGDF News 420 reported. Her husband and children finally were able to talk her into getting checked out at the hospital just to be safe. We were told by staff at Poconos Medical Center that Harper does excellent suturing and that she would be back to 100% and kicking black bear butt in just a few days. The bears could not be reached for comment.

mshareajoint@nydickynews.com; or follow him at Twatter.com/NYDNShareajoint

Gotdam Michael! Excellent job reporting the relevance and epic fucking coolness of Harper's ass-kickin' vacation. You indeed are an excellent journalist, and I commend you for your honest and unbiased reporting. You can tell a lot of hard work and determination went into your piece. That is rare and hard to find in today's media. You covered it all, and I think that's cool. BUT.... it will never be as fucking cool as Harper!

This is the last thing those two bears will remember of Harper.
And that is so fucking cool!

7 comments:

Paul said...

GGDF News 420! BWAHAHAHA!! Awesomesauce!

CenTexTim said...

So much talent wasted in CA. Get your ass to TX, dude, where it'll be appreciated.

CharlieDelta said...

CenTexTim-
I'm workin' on doing just that man. Workin' on it.

Paul-
Did you catch the guy's name who wrote the piece?

Paul said...

Harper's ignoring you. ROFL!! That's fuggin funny!

CharlieDelta said...

I know. What's up with that? Was it something I said?

Harper said...

In a rather cruel twist of irony, the young Dachsund was separated from his testicles today.

CD, you have a knack for parody. I agree with Tim, your talents are wasted on the left coast.

The only argument I have with the story is that I can't imagine any situation involving a bear in which I would run blindly at it, rather than grab the nearest weapon, aim and fire. Repeatedly.

CharlieDelta said...

"...grab the nearest weapon, aim and fire. Repeatedly."
Ah yes, just one more thing that makes you so fucking cool Harper.

I have to say, it is fun to use someone's story and change the names and places with friends names. Maybe when I get to Texas I can get a job writing children's books? BWHAHAAHAHA!