Wednesday, November 23, 2011

(Wed.) Harper Is So Fucking Cool…

How fucking cool you may be asking yourself? Well, lemme clue you clueless bastards in a little bit on just how fucking cool. Harper is so fucking cool that when she's not saving lives of dogs, beating the living shit out of black bears in the Poconos, punkin' Obungholio, giving awesome house warming gifts or partying with Pantera she is a hero for injured and malnourished bats. Yeah, that's right. You heard me! Fuckin' bats! How cool is that? That is so fucking cool that it makes me wish I was an injured bat, just so I could experience the epic coolness that encompasses Harper's persona. I had forgotten all about this one time when Harper was hi-lighted in a major newspaper. You may have heard of it? The Washington Post ring any bells? It was just a little over a year ago. Pat Waters Pipe at the Washington Post did a bong-up job with this piece. Well done, Pat.


For bats, Texas woman is a hero

By Pat Waters Pipe

Saturday, September 11, 2010

You forgot about adding "and so fucking cool", Pat. That's okay though dude, I'll let you slide on this one. I know this is a family paper and has no place for foul language, but you could've used the F*#ing or F'ing style to still get the point across with emphasis.


FORT WORTH -- 26 year old Harper, a full time wife and mother of four has what you or I would normally call a nuisance or even a threat and call an exterminator immediately. What we find to be a inconvenience, Harper has taken in, or adopted, by her own freewill; 36 bats living in her Keller, Tex., home. But she's not calling an exterminator. Harper is the one-woman bat-rescue team of Bat World Lone Star, one of 20 rescue centers around the country associated with the Bat World Sanctuary in Mineral Wells, Tex.

Holy fuckballs! Did you hear that? 36 angry, mean, feisty, viscous, hungry, and blood-sucking bats. If you have to put that into beer to visualize the quantity, that’s a fucking case of beer, but these little guys, if they wanted to, could fuck you up more than a case would. Whoa! That.....is so fucking cool! It's not a 10-man, or a five-man, or even a one-man bat-rescue team. It's a one-woman bat-rescue team kickin' ass and going up to bat for the bats all over the country. Fuckin' cool!

When an injured bat is discovered in North Texas, Harper's home is often where it ends up. There, it is rehydrated; medicated; nurtured; given a name such as Alfie, Wilbur, Jolene or Cal(?); and, hopefully, returned to the great outdoors. If the bat can't live on its own, it becomes a permanent resident of the Bat World Sanctuary.

Harper is so fucking cool that her home is also the Bat World Sanctuary. A sanctuary for the bat world. Fuckin' cool! I bet even Batman himself, with his "Bat" tighties wouldn't even have the balls to turn his Bat Cave into a sanctuary for the bat world. Batman is a pussy! Especially when you put him side by side next to Harper. Batman couldn’t hold a candle to how fucking cool Harper is.

Thanks to Hollywood, bats have been the villains of scary movies, swooping in to attack victims or get tangled in their hair. Some people think bats are a type of rodent or bird. Others believe they are blind and carry a host of diseases, including the deadly rabies virus. All of these perceptions are false.

Well, no shit! Hollywierd hasn't put out anything good since the Rodney King beat-down and subsequent nig-fest riots. Is anyone surprised they would lead an audience to believe something that isn't true? I myself thought bats were nothing better than a rat with wings, but how wrong I was. Not Harper. She is so fucking cool that she's not only a kickass chick who hangs out with bats, but she's been studying them for over a decade.

"Less than one-half of 1 percent of bats contract rabies," Harper said. "They're mammals just like us, and all mammals can contract rabies." "In truth, bats are key players in a healthy environment," she said. "They pollinate many plants -- and if you love margaritas, you should love bats because they pollinate 98 percent of all agave plants, the source of tequila."

That right there is so fucking epically cool that I am at a loss for words. I literally don't know what to say, so I won't say anything. Maybe I’ll do a shot of Patron…

Their immense appetite for flying bugs helps control crop-destroyers such as the corn-borer moth, the nation's second-most destructive insect, which defies its name by noshing on eggplants, apples, potatoes and many other crops besides corn. Another delicacy for bats is the mosquito, which can carry the West Nile virus.

"The average bat gobbles 3,000 to 5,000 insects every night," Harper said. "A lactating female eats 10,000 to 12,000 nightly. Bats save us billions -- not millions -- of dollars in crops each year."

Holy shit that's a lot of bugs! When I was growing up, I used to make the dorky next door neighbor kid eat bugs, but never in the 1,000's. Maybe the 100's, but that it! I wonder if he turned into a bat later in life? He wouldn't be scary though. He would be that dorky bat that got laughed out of the cave by all the other bats. Poor bastard.

Bats have a metabolism that any dieter would envy. Their hearts beat 900 to 1,300 times per minute when they are not hibernating, which means that they process a meal in about 20 minutes and can be debilitated by disease in a few hours. When someone finds a sick bat, they need to consider the situation an emergency for the animal.

"We have to get them sooner," Harper said, speaking for all Bat World satellite centers. "If someone turns a bat in to us two or three days after finding it, that bat is not going to survive."

Dead bats, means sad and/or angry Harper. And that is not fucking cool at all!

"Saving a bat with your bare hands gives that bat a death sentence," says Harper. "Instead, get a shoebox and punch holes in the lid. Fold a soft T-shirt in the bottom, draping the bottom third over one side of the box. This gives the bat a fabric "wall" where it can cling. Leave the shirt's neck opening facing up -- this provides the bat with a safe crevice for retreat. Using the lid, gently scoop the bat into the box."

See what I'm talking about here? Do you know of anyone with that crazy high of an educational level in bats that can just tell the average douchebag in layman's terms how to make sure that a bat rescue is a complete success in just a few simple sentences like that? No, I didn't think you did! Harper is just radical! Epically awesome! Oh, and one more thing....

So fucking cool!

2 comments:

kerrcarto said...

You have entirely too much time on your hands.

Harper said...

I am just happy that he is posting every day. And that bat sanctuary thing - my kids were prostituted, I mean, their school did a fund raiser adopt a bat thing for them a year or so ago.