"All units, all units... be on the lookout for a horny and desperate white male wearing a royal blue hoodie with a shit eatin grin on his face driving at a high rate of speed in an early 1980's Dodge Ram Van, primer grey in color with no rear windows. Last seen driving eastbound on Cooper Foster Park Road from the Adult Mart. Suspect is wanted for felony breaking and entering for the purpose of theft. He is also wanted for felony theft for the purpose of masturbation. Use caution when approaching. Suspect was seen reaching down by his waistband. Suspect also has a hostage; one Pipedream Extreme Fuck Me Silly 3 Mega Masturbator. I repeat, one Pipedream Extreme Fuck Me Silly 3 Mega Masturbator. All units use caution. S.W.A.T. has been dispatched and is en route, over..."
WTF? Either some guy is the fugliest motherfucker on the planet and has never been laid because of it, or he is one of the horniest and hard-up motherfuckers on the planet, had the worse case of blue balls known to man and didn't have the time to troll for a whore that night. Something just seems out of whack with this whole story.
What. The. Fuck! Breaking into a porn shop like this jerkoff did is a sign of extreme desperation, but also takes a lot of balls to do in the first place, but if you're that fucking desperate to risk getting a felony and doing time so you can "release some liquid tension",why wouldn't you at least grab some cash while you're there? Or some shit that will net you cash? Seems like a lot of trouble to go through with a hell of a lot of risk involved to just leave with one item, even if it is "Mega" and retailed at $800*.
I tried putting myself in this guys shoes and what I would've done if I was that desperate, but it wasn't easy. I've had my share of dry spells, but I can't begin to fathom ever getting so worked up and whacked to wanna fuck some hole made of "lifelike" rubber or "phantom skin", much less break into some porn store to steal one. Call me old or just plain out of touch with the modern day world, but I would prefer to jerk off the old fashioned way thank you.
But for arguments sake, let's just say it was a full moon one night, I had been drinking Shiners all day long in the hot sun and there were no barbeques around for me to molest, so I hatch a brilliant plan to go steal a $800 Mega Masturbator from the local porn shop that I heard about from one of my Dungeons and Dragons opponents. I would've at least grabbed some shit to sell on Craigslist or at the swap meet since I was already there racking up a felony. I mean, what would I have to lose? I would've grabbed a few hand-fulls of dvd's. Or a few strings of beads. Maybe a vibrating butt plug with matching G-spot stimulator. A 5 gallon bucket of grape-flavored lube possibly. How about a King Kong Dong for a Christmas stocking stuffer? I mean something. Anything.
Nope, not this guy. This fucking guy knew exactly what he wanted and that's all he apparently needed. He was in and out and done faster than a high school jock with his date in the back of a car on prom night. He didn't evade all the cameras though. I guess one angle captured the money shot! He must have already had his own lube or something like that because none was reported stolen. Maybe the Extreme Fuck Me Silly 3 is self-lubricating? If it isn't it should be. For $800 that bitch better lubricate itself!
How long did he case the joint? You know, to observe the closing routine and how long it usually took, the possible witnesses at surrounding businesses and the amount of traffic at particular times of the night, the procedure of locking up and setting the alarm, and where the cameras were placed in and around the building. This must've been just like the $19 million Dunbar Armored heist by Allen Pace III in 1997, except it will go down as the Adult Mart $800 Mega-Masturbator Heist of 2011.
The police report is here. How could you write that report without cracking up the entire time? I'm sure it wasn't easy for Officer Jeffrey A. Yusko. I bet this incident spread to police departments across the country quicker than a case of the crabs at a Tijuana night club.
I guess when it's all said and done, I have to laugh and at least give this mentally fucked up individual some credit for getting away with the crime and evading police capture. This is one of those capers that I hope never gets solved. Besides damages to the porn store and replacing the $800 item which are both covered by insurance, what's the real harm done here? I almost feel bad for the poor bastard. He's probably in his "backup" windowless Dodge van parked in a Walmart parking lot somewhere right now with an ice cold case of Bartels and James Sangria, a carton of GPC cigarettes, Lionel Richie softly on the radio, and trying his best to seduce the lingerie off of his "date."
Oh and before I forget, has anyone heard from Paul lately?
UPDATE: When I Googled "Fuck Me Silly 3 Mega Masturbator" looking for an image to use in this post, I came across an educational, funny and disturbing Youtube video featuring the FMS3MM on display which:
*1.) Helped me understand the size of the item and realize the dude didn't have a free hand to steal anything else at the time.
2.) I found to be pretty funny.
3.) I found to be quite disturbing, especially the part about dressing it up.
4.) Destroyed any and all traces of faith, respect and hope that I may have ever had in the human race. Forever.