Thursday, December 29, 2011

Shitter, Twitter, Twats, Tweets, Facebook, and Fuck You!

You know, I’m not sure if they are flooding every possible market out there with advertising or if I just notice it more these days, but I am so tired of seeing, reading and hearing all about this fuckin’ "Twitter" everywhere I go. I know, I know, it’s just the next phase of time-wasting and mind-rotting crap to come along and fill the gap when Facebook shits themselves, but this constant drilling of Twitter into the head is a little out of control. Like every ‘social networking’ site, it will be around for a couple years and then something else will come along once people finally realize it's nothing but another colossal waste of time like Facebook, and Myspace before that. It becomes too big for its own good, drops a big steamy growler on itself, then it turns to dust and blows away.

Yes, I will admit I am on Facebook. I signed up a couple years ago and thought it was pretty lame, but then I really liked the picture sharing part of it. For all these years I would email pictures to various people but every time would forget to “cc” someone and they would get all butt hurt about it. I liked how with Facebook I didn’t have to remember who to email pictures. In fact I wouldn’t have to email pictures anymore at all, unless someone not on Facebook wanted to see them. It was great. Now, there is no excuse not to have copies of my pictures because all someone has to do is go to my page and copy the ones they want. It’s brilliant and saves me the trouble which is why I think it’s brilliant. I still like that part of Facebook, but that’s about it. The rest is a colossal waste of time. No, I’m not Facebooking all day. No, I don't post everyday all day long about what I'm doing. No, I don't post using magic fairy dust, my cat’s ass, or my mobile phone and I can promise you that I never will. No, I am not in need of a 12-step program to kick that Facebook habit, although I know some people that probably do. No, I do not have an iPhone, nor do I want one. If I did though, I guarantee that I would not “follow” you narcissistic motherfuckers on shitter twitter. I don't even want internet capability on my mobile phone and I’ll tell you why:
  1. I don't need to be connected to the internet every fucking hour of the day. For 30+ years I got along just fine without it. There is something in life called physical literal human interaction. This is where people can see each other, talk to each other face to face and look each other in the eyes when they interact. They can even touch each other if they wanted to. Back in the stone ages, it was how everyone went about their lives amongst other human beings, and met new people and got to know people and shit. You know? They would actually take a shower, get dressed, brush their teeth, comb their hair and leave their home on a great adventure into the real world. Maybe they would go to the bar and have a few rounds, or walk around the mall window shopping, or maybe go to the park and feed the ducks; lots of different things besides sitting in front of a fucking computer every free moment of every day. I know it's old fashioned and complicated for some people, but it really is nice to get out of the house and interact with friends and even strangers every now and then. It gives you that "human" feeling inside, and that’s rare these days. I don’t know too many people anymore that I would even consider human. They’re more like robotic brain-dead assholes that just use up space and oxygen, cause traffic jams and long grocery store lines, and waste my time with endless conversations about themselves until it all becomes too much for me and I walk away telling them to go fuck themselves. Life is too short, and I don’t ever want to be one of those assholes.
  2. I need a break from the information overload or I'm going to lose my fucking mind one of these days. Blogging, Facebooking, emailing, commenting, texting, voicemailing, when does it end? I really don't need to know that very second when some politician tries blowing smoke up the American people's asses, or some Hollyweird slut goes to rehab for the 15th time. Maybe if that politician or that slut blew their brains out on live TV I would want to know because good news is hard to find these days. One thing that makes me want to delete my Facebook is having to see this up-to-the-minute reporting that some narcissistic asshole thinks we give a fuck about. Hey retard, it might be hard for you to comprehend in that big head of yours, but no one really cares if you're "enjoying coffee" or are "at the gym" or are "in a relationship." Big fucking deal! Why don't you just post the next time you're taking a shit? At least that would be more exciting and interesting than your boring and pathetic life on Planet Facebook. And if I get one more fucking 5-year old recycled email from some asshole or a fucking text that ends with me having bad luck for the next 6 years if I don't "forward it to at least 6 people in the next 6 minutes" I am going to unload some .00 buck into this monitor, flush my cell phone down the crapper, and run over 6 people in the next 6 minutes! Take your bad luck and cram it up your ass, motherfucker! Or jump off the highest building you can find. Whatever you do, stop sending me this shit! It’s out of control!
  3. These fucks on twitter are more of the same narcissistic pieces of shit that need an ass kicking of a lifetime, for the rest of their lifetime. I mean, who besides the egotistical Hollyweird dumb shits think that people really give a flying fuck what they are doing during the day or night? What club they’re doing a bunch of blow in or what $600 dollar pair of jeans they just bought? But it’s not just the egotistical shitbags in Hollyweird. You would be surprised how many nobodys there are out there completely in love with themselves and actually think the world revolves around them, or the world cares if they nibbled on a 12 ga. and pulled the trigger in true Kurt Gobang style. It boggles my mind when I think about how many of these conceited motherfuckers are out there because it seems like I know a lot of them. It's an all-out epidemic and it’s only getting worse.
I had this friend a couple months ago, that out of nowhere one day kept trying to talk me into ditching my current Verizon plan and upgrading to a new plan with AT&T and an iPhone. I told her that I was happy with Verizon and asked her why I should change and ultimately pay more for a new phone, plan, etc. Her answer? So I could "stay in touch" with her. What the fuck? We live in the same city about 25 minutes away from each other. How out of touch can we be? So I asked her why I needed an iPhone to stay in touch with her. She told me because that way I could follow her on TWITter.


WTF! Are you kidding me? Follow her on twitter? She does pedicures and manicures for a living and she lives with her dog in a mediocre apartment at the beach for Chrissakes! No offense to anyone that does pedi’s and mani’s for a living, but BIG fucking deal! Maybe if she was actually doing something remotely interesting, but pedicures and shit? I would rather watch Guatemalan Midget Wrestling or read, “1001 Ways To Knit A Turtleneck For Your French Poodle” from cover to cover. Jeebus! She was hot when I met her 15 years ago, but age and gravity have gotten the best of her these last few years, so why in the fuck would I follow her on twitter? Even if she was dancing on a brass pole, why in the fuck would anyone follow her on twitter? We had been pretty good friends for at least 15 years, but that was the final straw for me. What a conceited little twat! I deleted her from my phone and will never call her again. Not even on those horny late-night drunk-dialing adventures. That insane bitch is done. What I really should've said to her when she first mentioned iPhones and me “following” her was something like,
"Tell you what Tanya, how about this: Phuck your iPhone, fuck your twitter, fuck your tweets, fuck the beach, fuck your narcissistic and egotistical twat little self, fuck your pedicures, fuck this meaningless friendship, and fuck you! Cram your twitter and your tweets up your fucking twat, ya dumb bitch!

And please feel free to tweet that any time."
Do you think that’s a little harsh? A little over the top? I toned it down a bit because I know this is a family blog. I don't know. Maybe I've already lost my mind and don't realize it? Maybe the "information superhighway" that Al Bore invented back in the ‘90’s has finally left me 2 tacos short of a combination plate. I haven't smoked a bowl since the first part of October and I know that has a lot to do with my angst and lack of tolerance for anything or anyone these days, but damn; these “look at me, I’m special” cretins that walk amongst us, work with us, get drunk with us, live in our neighborhoods or live with us, and the social networks that feed the disease really has me wanting to move to the middle of fucking nowhere with no internet, no cell phone (or any phone), no television, no politics, no paved roads, no subdivisions, no fast food chains, no grocery store chains, or any fucking chains at all.

The day that I break out of here is going to be a milestone day. A day to celebrate with a big fat joint and a big Fuck You! The day I can look back at this shit and laugh about it, I’ll know that I can finally sing, “Breaking the chains around me, nobody else can bind me, take a good look around me, now I’m breaking the chains.”

Sorry, I was a Dokken fan in the ‘80’s and I just had to throw that in there somehow.

Z-man, my brother from another mother is one of these fuckers who Facebooks from his iPhone and now he says he is following some of these motherfuckers and dumb sluts on Twitter when he's "bored". Dude, if you're bored do something constructive like kick a liberal's ass, or buy a firearm, or kick a liberal in the nuts. That would be constructive and productive and rewarding at the same time. Z-man emailed me this link last night and without looking at what it was I clicked on it. Sure enough it was some douche on Twitter that he follows. I have to admit, some of what this guy writes is hilarious, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna start checking in on this shit for new material. Those of you that already Shit and Twit and Tweet and Twat that's your deal. It doesn't affect me one bit if that's what you do, I just think it's stupid, retarded and useless. Like liberals. I have to admit though, this one was pretty fuckin' funny.
I went to a friends house yesterday and she said "make yourself at home," so I masturbated on her couch, made a sandwich and left.

I really don’t know where I was going with this or how I was going to wrap it up, but it’s damn near 02:00 right now and I’m tired as fuck. Me and Pops are going to kill some trout at Lake Morena this morning and we’re picking up my good buddy Z-man at 07:00. One more beer and I’m hitting the sheets. 05:30 is gonna come fast.


Johan Galt said...

DHS loves Facebook and Twitter. They are tagging certain words such as illegal immigrant, of course I use the correct illegal alien.

Anonymous said...

CD, did you at least get one last bang before you deleted her? I mean cmon, man!

Harper said...

I feel the same, CD. The only reason I got sucked into FB is because of Blownstar (thanks Kerrcarto).

I have the perfect 'Welcome to Texas' gift in mind for you, so hurry up and get here.

CenTexTim said...

"I toned it down a bit because I know this is a family blog."

That's the funniest damn thing I've read in the last 20 years ... maybe 30!

SandraV said...

"Sorry, I was a Dokken fan in the ‘80’s and I just had to throw that in there somehow."

Me too!

kerrcarto said...

And there you were on facebook last night with your Carne Asada taco.

CharlieDelta said...

Settle down there kerrcarto- It was a carne asada burrito dude and I was trying to give that place more business because the food is so damn good. Did you notice it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with the taco shop?

Negative Paul. I nailed it off and on for a year or so in my early 30's but I wanted a clean break from this one. Giving her a bang would not have helped me disappear into the darkness never to be seen or heard from by her again.

Harper, Believe me, I can't wait to get there. I'm running into some snags but my plan has not changed.

CTT, I was laughing as I was writing that part too.

SandraV, Right on! If you weren't a fan of Dokken in the '80's you weren't jack shit as far as I was concerned. LMAO!

kerrcarto said...

I know, I just love giving you shit.

Anonymous said...

CD told me just the other day that he jizzes all over his monitor whenever he pulls up facebook. Oh and by the way that wasn't a carne asada burrito.