Back on December 20 of last year it was pouring down rain on my commute home from work. I was on I-15 South stuck in bumper to bumper traffic and cruising at an intense 3 mph. My windshield was starting to fog up so I grabbed a rag from under the seat and started wiping the fog away. I’m talking a brief few seconds just to clear the windshield on my side. Well, that was all it took to take my attention off of driving, just enough time for me to not notice the traffic ahead was now stopped. When I did notice and hit the brakes it was a split-second too late, as I gently tapped the bumper of the dude in front of me. At first I thought I braked in time but then the guy turned on his right turn signal and pulled off onto the shoulder. Fuck. Well, because we were going so slow there shouldn’t be any damage. No big deal right?
So I grab my registration, proof of insurance and a scrap piece of paper ready to exchange information with this guy. As I approached I just said, “Fuck man, I’m sorry. At least we were only creeping along; I don’t even see any damage.” I go to hand the guy my information and he says, “Well I hate to tell you this, but it’s not as easy as you think. We’re going to be here a while.” As he’s saying this, he’s pulling a badge around his neck from under his jacket, “You rear-ended an undercover police officer driving a State vehicle. I have to call my supervisor and find out what he wants me to do.” I’m thinking to myself, “Fuck bro, there’s no damage to your car, and I can live with a bent front license place on my truck. Let’s just call it good and hit the road. I still have Christmas shopping to do.” His supervisor tells him to wait for the Highway Patrol to show up and take a report. WTF! A report for what? Incidental contact between bumpers resulting in ZERO damage? After about 20 minutes CHP shows up, takes a report, we exchange information and I’m on my way. When I got home, I let my insurance company know what happened, they said they would handle it, and for the most part, I never thought about the incident again. Until Tuesday.
Tuesday I get this letter from the California DGS. Okay, we’re talking almost exactly three months after the accident and the State is just now trying to get in touch with me about taking care of the “damage”? On top of that, they opened the letter with this subtle paragraph:
We are writing to notify you that your name will be submitted to the California Franchise Tax Board for an intercept of any money that may be owed to you by the State of California. This action is being taken in an attempt to recover the costs incurred by the Department of Corrections to repair a state-owned vehicle damaged on the above captioned date of loss. As a result of our investigation, we have determined that you were responsible for this loss. In the event you are owed a tax refund or you win a California Lottery prize, the Franchise Tax board will intercept from that money the amount you owe this agency.What. The. Fuck? So if I’m reading this right, the state of California is taking it upon themselves to assume that I’m not going to pay so they are going to ‘intercept’ my State tax refund and/or any Lottery winnings? Sorry assholes, but you are shit out of luck on both counts. Every year for at least the last decade I have owed the State money. I think the most was $5 one year, but nevertheless, I never get money back from the State. And on that Lottery thing? I don’t waste my money on the pipe dream of becoming an instant millionaire for doing absolutely nothing but picking some fucking numbers at random. You are shit out of luck there too assholes. Fuck. You.
I guess what pisses me off right off the bat is the threatening letter with an attempted intimidating first paragraph basically telling me that they are going to do whatever the fuck they want with money that is mine. Talk to my insurance assholes. That’s why I have insurance, not to mention that it’s the fucking law. Again, Fuck you!
So I called my insurance company and told them about this letter I received from the State and ask them why that letter was sent to me in the first place, and if there were any problems with this particular claim. The dude I was talking to on the phone told me that the State’s invoice of $896.90 was to repair the rear end damage as well as “the front end damage.” Front end damage? What front end damage? I was crawling along at a smooth 3 mph when I tapped this guy’s bumper. The only damage, if any, was maybe paint being chipped off of the piece of shit ’07 Impala’s rear bumper, and the damage to my ego, but no way in hell did I push his car into something resulting in front end damage. Total bullshit! The damage to the front of this car was already there before I even entered the picture.
I made a call to the DGS yesterday right after I hung up with my insurance co. I was pretty fired up and ready to chew some State employee’s ass! I had my argument all laid out and ready to lay into this bitch who’s name is at the bottom of this letter. Typical of the State of California, all I got was voicemail, so I left a message for Carmen Casey, Risk Analyst, to call me back regarding their claim. Typical of the State of California, I never got a call back. I called again first thing this morning and Carmen picked up the phone. I gave her their claim number and asked why they were sending me this rude letter instead of sending it to my insurance co. In her fucked up broken English, she said that it was sent to me because my insurance only paid for $500 +/- instead of the full $896.90 and that I was responsible for paying the balance. I was trying to figure out a way to bait her into mentioning the front end damage, but next thing I knew, she was telling me that I was responsible for the repairs to the front end as well. Politely, I asked her, “Front end damage? Why am I responsible for the front end? I barely tapped his rear bumper and there wasn’t any damage to that, much less the front.” She was obviously frustrated that I had my shit together and was challenging her bullshit. She fired back something like, “Well, it ‘s pretty clear that the front was damaged from me tapping the rear bumper, or the body shop wouldn’t have fixed it.” What the fuck? Because the body shop of the State’s choice repaired something having nothing to do with this accident, it’s “clear that the front was damaged from me tapping the rear bumper”? That doesn’t even make one bit of sense. Well, I suppose it does make sense to the lunatics on the left that have run this state right into the shitter, but I’m not buying it. I told Carmen that she needed to read the accident report as taken down by one of her own State employees, the CHP. She was clearly frustrated at this point and started getting shitty with me. I didn’t let her get far before I fired back a bunch of expletives in between telling her how fucked up California is because of liberal retards in government. She didn’t say a word, so I politely asked to speak to her supervisor. I think she was relieved that she didn’t have to deal with me anymore because I was transferred instantly to Pete, the Supervisor. I politely explained to Pete my problem with the whole scenario. He told me that he would take care of it and that they would be sending me another letter stating that this claim is paid for and resolved and that I am no longer on the hook for anything else. We’ll see… I thanked him for his time and told him that Carmen is an incompetent, unqualified waste of taxpayer money and definitely not cut out for a government “customer service” type of position, but if there was an opening for a miserable, angry and ignorant bitch, she would excel beyond anyone’s expectations. Yeah I know, ‘government’ and ‘customer service’ should never be used in the same sentence if one desires to get a serious message across.
To sum it all up…
Had my insurance company not caught the State’s attempted double-dipping on the body work to a State vehicle, and had I not made a few investigative phone calls, the state of Califuckingfornia would’ve skated by with a free repair at my insurance co.’s expense, and ultimately at my expense. Fuck you Carmen Casey you over-paid, useless, ignorant little bitch, Fuck You California DGS you dishonest group of government thieves and incompetent fucks, and Fuck You over-paid, over-compensated Califuckinfornian state employees for continuing to be a collossal waste of taxpayer money and a burden on the citizens of this state.
Now why don’t you just pucker up and
kiss my ass! 
