Sunday, January 15, 2012

Look Ma, No Hands....

I saw this and it reminded me of an old friend of mine back in my early 20's when I was smoking dope, ditching class and chasing pussy studying my ass off going to college. That was a time long, long ago when everyone was doing beer bongs. It was a quick way to get shitfaced and the chicks (we thought) were impressed, so of course we were doing them. Brian could funnel countless beers in a sitting like it was nothing and would always be there to accept someone’s challenge. He used to make a lot of money betting people at parties or bigger guys at bars by challenging them to funnel-off's for $20 or whatever. Most of the time he would do four 3-beer funnels, or three 4-beer funnels, but one time I watched him do two 6-pack funnels at a party back-to-back in under two minutes. To say the least I was fucking impressed after witnessing that, but what was more impressive was him being able to hold it together and hold it all down while sipping on cups of beer throughout the rest of the night. Granted he was a big guy, but still….twelve 12-ounce beers in under two fucking minutes would put me in the ER even back then. Now? Shit, it would probably only take six 1-beer bongs in two hours to put me down for the count. Probably even less than that.

This dude looks like he could be the late Chris Farley's (R.I.P.) brother or cousin but he totally reminded me of Brian. This dude doesn't even let go of a ear-piercing belch like I would expect to hear after three straight beers from a bottle. The English dudes at the table laughing also reminded me of what it sounded like whenever there was a funnel-off or when someone new saw Brian in action for the first time.


And before you (Paul or kerrcarto) go off and say it's no big deal because the dude's just drinking "pussy beer" or whatever Paul called it last night when I talked to him, I'd like to see one of you clowns do this with three Bud's OR with your regular beer of choice; kerrcarto with your Shiner and Paul with your Zima. If one or both of you two drunks can do this, I will fetch you a beer every time you need one for one full day* at the next Blownstar. But I want to see exactly the same thing, the same way; bottle cap removal and everything. I'm not gonna make this an easy one for you like I did the last time.
*Or until I pass out

8 comments:

Paul said...

Zima??!! Are you shittin' me??!!

kerrcarto said...

Dude! I couldn't open the beer the way he did, or drink them that fast. I am more of a long haul guy.

kerrcarto said...

Yea, CD! Paul likes Zima with a Peach Jolly Rancher in it. Damn! Don't you know your brother better than that?

CharlieDelta said...

LMFAO! Sorry Paul. Next time I'll remember to add the peach so you can get your Jollies with your Zima.

CenTexTim said...

Zima? Do they still make that stuff? Last time I saw it was in the cooler next to the Boone's Farm...

CharlieDelta said...

CTT-
To answer your question, I would have to say no, at least not on planet Earth they don't. I've tried locating even a single bottle of it before and could not find one anywhere I looked.
I have used Zima as a prop when ripping on someone ever since I heard a buddy of mine use it 10 years ago when he bumped into his ex-wife and her new guy at this bar we were getting drunk in. When Z-man and "new guy" were introduced by his ex he said something like, "Hey. Nice to meet you. I'm going to the bar for a whiskey, can I get you a Zima?" I fucking lost it right then and there. I had forgotten all about that shit 'beer' and I knew right away that Z-man fired an incognito rip on the guy. I don't know how he pulled it off with a straight face, but we were ROFLOFAO! To the day, we still laugh about the look on his ex-wife's face after his perfect delivery. It was off the cuff and it was a 10-out-of-10 good burn. I'm still laughing about that night as I'm writing this.

Anyways, I stole the Zima insult from him and still use the crap as the prop when ripping on someone (especially Paul) and their taste in beer. It's just a good burn, and I'll explain why:

1.) It was a shitty malt beverage concoction marketed for people that drink shitty malt beverages in brown paper bags in the ghetto.
2.) College frat boys drank it because..... well, I never figured out why frat boys drank the shit.
3.) College chicks drank it because wine coolers were "out of style" at the time (can't have that ya know) and this shit didn't taste like an adult beverage from what I remember.
4.) High school kids were drinking it because the college kids were drinking it and they were the ones buying them beer.
5.) Homo's were drinking it because they're homos and it probably was a "cute" or "pretty" bottle to them. Who knows?
6.) If someone is too young to even know what Zima is, they might say, "yes" to your sarcastic offer to buy them one when you're taking a shot at them, which would be a double-burn.
7.) It was a shitty malt beverage concoction that ghetto motherfuckers drank in brown bags when the welfare checks finally came.

I actually tried finding a 6-pack of it to bring out and give to Paul in front of everyone at Blownstar 2009, but I couldn't find it anywhere. I would've paid top dollar for just one bottle. I searched all over the fucking place and never found it.

Man, that would've been sweet!

CharlieDelta said...

After a quick Google search I found this:

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/drink/2008/11/the_long_slow_torturous_death_of_zima.html

First sentence? Check it out. BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yup, that was what I was going for....

CenTexTim said...

"that was what I was going for...."

you succeeded...