Thursday, November 8, 2012

FOR CD

6 comments:

CharlieDelta said...

Normally I might fear some kind of retribution down the line for the decades I have spent torturing and killing thousands of these fuckers in my quest for total spider genocide, but I think I'm in good shape right now.

About two weeks ago I carried out a vicious and relentless tactical assault on the eight-legged community of arachnid motherfuckers living in the backyard woodpile and all around the house. Shock & Awe paled in comparison to what came down on these bastards in a matter of seconds.

If they would just build their fucking webs somewhere other than right at face level where I always happen to be walking, I would probably leave them alone. It would help both of us out. I wouldn't have to do the Heebie-Jeebie Dance and drop shit, and they wouldn't have to die a miserable painful death. Just a little courtesy and common sense is all I'm asking, but they can't even do something as simple and logical as that; so they die. The wolf spider is the biggest offender I have encountered, but they're all guilty as far as I'm concerned.

I just fucking snapped one night about two weeks ago when I walked face-first into two separate webs in under five minutes. I didn't drop my beer this time, but that wasn't enough to save them from my wrath. They know what they're doing. It was a declaration of war, and they all paid a heavy price for those two assholes fuckin' with me.

I must have wiped out entire colonies of those eight-legged bastards that were visible and in reach of my dual-purpose and most trusted tactical weapon in the arsenal. It is one ideal for this application. It has never let me down either, so until something else comes along and proves itself to be better for destroying populations of spider motherfuckers quickly and efficiently, and clean my firearms it's my weapon of choice.

With a maximum effective range of 6.8 meters, I know it will always get the job done and done right the first time. Another feature that I'm really attracted to is the 'fragrance' it releases with every 'pull of the trigger'. It's undisputably deadly and smells great while it kills, so it's been my 'go-to' weapon in tactical assaults like these for about a decade now.

You should've seen it! It was like a fuckin' turkey shoot. They didn't stand a chance, and I showed no mercy for any one of those fuckers; widows, long-legs, wolf spiders, you name it. If I saw it I fuckin' killed it, and I enjoyed killing every last one of those evil arachno-fucks too. Burn in hell bitches!

So........I'm thinking I should be good to go until sometime in spring when thousands all start popping out of nowhere faster than Chargers fans during a winning season.

Until then, I shall rejoice in my victory and raise my glass to the demise of their shitty existence.
Thanks for thinking of me though. Bastard...

Rayvet said...

CD, I may be wrong, but I think the great state of Texas that you are planning to move to has Tarantulas. How the hell are you going to deal with that?

Harper said...

I'll take a tarantula over a scorpion any day and we have them both. We also have much more lenient gun laws in Tejas versus Cali, so you can pretty much just shoot anything that moves.

CharlieDelta said...

Rayvet-
Destination changed a while ago. AZ is where I'm looking now. My situation does not allow for Texas at this time anyways, but maybe in the future. Especially when they secede.

Tarantulas are in Mexifornia too, but they don't really bother me much since they are rarely seen by me. The times I do see them, they aren't building webs for me to walk face-first into so I have a "live and let live" treaty with them.

hiswiserangel said...

Tarantulas are pussies. Fear the brown recluse. And we have scorpions too. Any badass critter you can name, Texas has it.

PeggyU said...

I'll take a spider any day over hordes of mosquitoes!