gottagetdrunkfirst: How To Keep Your Wife From Smoking

Friday, March 1, 2013

How To Keep Your Wife From Smoking

This is from Dave. Just replace her pack of smokes with one of these. Available in most major brands. Doesn't work for girlfriends until six months into the relationship or once they move in with you, whichever comes first.

3 comments:

Devil Tongue said...: CD,
Do they make those in cigar sizes as well?; March 1, 2013 at 7:29 PM
hiswiserangel said...: I think it would be a more effective smoking deterrant for men. Or a welcome gift for that cocksucker in chief.; March 1, 2013 at 8:41 PM
Anonymous said...: I was going to say to DT that slick willy would know - but I suppose the same answer would fit hwa as well ;-); March 2, 2013 at 7:58 PM

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Pure Genius

I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.

~Sir Winston Churchill

To alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

~Homer Simpson

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
~W.C. Fields

Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
~Benjamin Franklin

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
~Hunter S. Thompson

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, That's as good as they're going to feel all day.
~Frank Sinatra

Here's to a long life and a merry one
A quick death and an easy one
A pretty girl and an honest one
A cold beer and another one!
~Author Unknown

Once during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
~W.C. Fields

Well ya see, Norm, it's like this.... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

~Cliff Clavin

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

~ Dave Barry

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

~Henny Youngman

Our Lager which art in barrels
Swallowed be thy drink
At home, as it is in the tavern
Forgive our spillages
As we forgive those who spill against us
Lead us not into incarceration
But deliver us from hangover
For thine is the beer, the bitter and the barley.
Barmen
~The Beer's Prayer

Alcohol May Be Man's Worst Enemy

But The Bible Says Love Your Enemy

~ Frank Sinatra

That's the problem with drinking, I thought, as I poured myself a drink…If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen. - Charles Bukowski

The liver is evil and must be punished. - Author Unknown

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. -Homer Simpson

Write drunk; edit sober. - Ernest Hemingway

I take every day one beer at a time, one beer every sip at a time. - Dennis Leary

Alcohol doesn't solve your problems...but then,neither does milk. - W.C. Fields

‎"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer." ~ Dave Barry

Friday, March 1, 2013

How To Keep Your Wife From Smoking

3 comments:

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